My State of the Union

The good and wise people at David Horowitz’s Front Page Magazine have asked a number of serious, intelligent and important people to suggest what President Obama might say in his State of the Union address.  Then, for some reason, they asked me.  Just to show the O-Man there are no hard feelings about the whole destroying-the-republic thing, I agreed to write his speech in its entirety.  Here’s my version:

“My fellow citizens of the world. I come before you today to gaze into the middle distance and speak in ringing phrases.  For make no mistake:  the time for phrases that do not ring is past.  Already, in only the first year since I have fulfilled my awesome destiny, I have created millions of jobs—not just ordinary jobs that you have to work at for pay, but jobs beyond your wildest imagination, over the mountain of your deepest desires, and down the hallway of your fondest dreams.  I have sent many troops to Afghanistan—many, many troops who are running here and there with serious faces, shouting “Let’s go,” and firing their rifles so that the isolated extremists who have gathered together in great numbers to attack us will know that I am become Shiva, destroyer of worlds.

“But there is much still to do.  Even as we speak, a child is crying—a little, sad, pitiful child with big eyes, crying enormous tears that will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to dry.  So let me be very clear:  the bridge from yesteryear leads to the cloudbanks of a golden perfection where the prospect of a horizon awaits a mighty century.  At this, we must not fail.  Thank you—and God bless us, every one.”

For more serious and important efforts, go here.

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  • Ben

    This is brilliant.

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  • Nick Reynolds

    Commendable effort! I’m still hoping President Oif’dup says, “I resign. That is all.” I’m not gonna hold my breath though.

  • Lester Dent

    If President Obama made this speech it would actually resonate more with the public than what he gives. But would Jack-in-the-box Pelosi have enough standing O lines?

  • jw

    more lucid than what we will hear tonight

  • TX Skeptic


  • mojavewolf

    You left out his signature “Splitting the False Dichotomy.” You know, something like, “There are those who advance specious, indefensible policy positions that no one anywhere actually does in fact believe. There are others who have antipodean, but equally absurd views. I, by virtue of rejecting these two ad hoc strawmen I just invented, seem wise and moderate by comparison, regardless of how partisan my opinion.”

    No swipe at the Former Occupant, either.

  • AD

    Words fail me!

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  • Citygal

    You truly do know how to speak “Obamanese”!

  • Choey

    Unfortunately he doesn’t say the one thing that I would love to hear: “I quit”.

  • Matt

    Bummer, that was too short. :-)

  • Rex

    Quit and leave Joe Biden in charge? Sorry, but better Obama than Biden.

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  • Andrew_M_Garland

    I’ll throw in my take on the genre.
    Excerpt from A Political Speech: Troubling Times

    I could go on. My staff has compiled a list of 463 of life’s difficulties, and I am not convinced that we have listed them all. I haven’t published this list, it is too depressing.

    The good news is that I am ready to roll up my sleeves, sit down with the very best people who will work with the government, and deliver to you a better life. If we organize things in a different way, and all come together in support of this common good, we can finally get a grip on the situation and prosper in ways that are not even imaginable today.

    I want to be realistic. My time in political office may not be enough to complete all of the changes that are needed. I can set the government onto a new path, and it will be the work of others from my party to continue on that path.

  • Rich Vail

    Simply brilliant, you should become his speech writer!

    Rich Vail, Pikesiville, MD

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  • Jeff Jefferson

    If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times: Klavan Rocks!