Five Stupid Bumper Stickers

I once did a Klavan on the Culture called “Bumper Sticker Police,” in which I imagined there was a division of the police authorized to pull your car over for displaying a particularly stupid bumper sticker.  I was going to make it a series, but it didn’t get many views so I never did a sequel.  Which has left me with all this pent.   Up.  RAGE!!!!!  Okay, not really, but there are at least a few more bumper stickers I’d like to see removed from the road.  Preferably by violent force.  To wit:

1. “I Don’t Eat Anything With A Face.”  Why the hell not?  What’s so special about a face?  You have one, and I’d eat you.  It’s like saying, “I don’t eat anything that talks in children’s books.”  Don’t be such a sentimental idiot.

2. “Why Do We Kill People Who Kill People To Show That Killing People is Wrong?”  We don’t.  We kill people who kill people to stop them from killing more people.  Works like a charm.

3.  “Co-exist.”  You know this one, where the letters are all made into religious symbols.  The suggestion is there are some of us who don’t want to co-exist, who want to kill people of other religions by, like, flying planes into their buildings or setting off bombs in their subways.  And there are such people.  So why not take your bumper sticker to, say, Saudi Arabia?  Oh wait, I know why.

4. “Question Authority.”  Every time I see this one, I want to scribble on it:  “Why?”  I mean you said…  oh, never mind.

5. “Obama.”  Makes me think the guy ahead of me is too stupid to drive.

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  • W.C. Green

    re: #2–that is either one huge bumper sticker or one must tailgate for miles in order to read it

    re: #3–Third Base Politics proposed an alternative ( It shows the Islamic symbol in a suicide bomb vest with the other symbols cowering away from it.

  • Kenny

    My favorite is “I think, therefore I vote Democratic,” which is oxymoronic. If they actually had a thought, they’d be conservatives.

    Here’s the sticker I have on my own car: it simply says “NOPE” with the Obama red-white-blue horizon in the “O.” Most people don’t get it; they think I support His Majesty. But a couple of guys followed me the other day and accosted me at a gas station. At first I was a little worried, then they said they “got it” and wanted to take a photo of the sticker. We shook hands and promised we’d all vote the idiots out of office.

  • Nora Charles

    Nicky doesn’t like the “I fish/watch the ABC (equivalent to PBS)/breast feed and I vote”. This is Australia. Voting is compulsory. Of course you vote, moron

    I really dislike the “Goddess is Dancing/Goddesses are Angels with Bigger Boobs” schtick – gimme a break honey, you’re not that important.

    Last but not least – seen emblazed on the top third of the back window on a twentysomething female’s little coupe – “Crack Whore” – I kid you not.

    Also hated – “Bitch On Board/Back Off The Bitch Bites” and anything where the female driver aspires to bitchiness. Where’s the attraction in being a mean spirited dog?

  • Bea M. Garcia

    Andrew, not many bumper stickers in London but must share my top favorites:

    Seen in Miami: “In 1959, Cubans were also promised CHANGE.”

    My sister’s who is a pastor: “I work for the richest Jew that ever lived.”

  • Anonymous

    Yes! The “coexist” one is dumber than a swim fin, and the vehicle it’s on is usually one of those ugly little cars driven by a young punk.

    On my car, I’ve been going through the magnetic bumper stickers from WorldNetDaily, and I just ordered their latest one: “Drop the teleprompter and step away from the White House.” Now THAT’S a good one!

  • Akdfk

    ‘Hockey Mom for Obama’

    I told my stupid lib girlfriend to yank it off or I’m walking home.

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