My Speech for The President

I’m not the sort of person to point out that my insight into character is so searingly brilliant that I can predict the course of a man’s life two years into the future…  but if I were that sort of person, boy oh boy, would I be crowing now!

When Barack Obama was elected president, many of my conservative friends lamented that our news media had become so corrupted by ideology and idolatry that they would never expose him for what he was.  I, on the other hand, believed he would be exposed whether the media liked it or not because he had two problems, each of which exacerbated the other.

His first problem was that he suffered from narcissistic personality disorder, which meant that while his ego was bright and fascinating to others, it was also highly fragile.  He would be unable to stand criticism and failure and would lash out in anger at those who questioned him.

"Have I ever told you you're a great president?"

His second problem was that his political philosophy was false and impractical and sure to fail.  When it did, being a narcissist, he would rage and sulk and blame everyone around him for the failure and America would see him as he truly was.

Anyway, I confess I felt a certain bit of mean, small-minded gratification last week as all this came to pass.  Obama, having bowed to economic reality in accepting the extension of the Bush tax cuts, proceeded to castigate both the  Republicans who had triumphed over him and the Democrats who criticized him for his failure.  Finally, in an action I can only term unmanly, he handed the explanatory presser over to Bill Clinton.  And, while Clinton reminded us how a president behaves under pressure,  Obama ran home to mommy:

Pretty funny – except for the whole, you know, destruction of the country thing.

Anyway, Obama has continually reminded us that it’s not his policies that have failed, he’s simply failed to explain them to us properly.  So, just because this is the sort of guy I am, I’ve decided to help him out by actually writing a speech for him unpacking what it is he’s done.  I publish the text here in the hope it will come to the president’s attention so he can use it in some less chaotic future appearance.

“My fellow Americans.  I have now managed to reach a compromise with Republican congressional leaders, the bastards.  Some on the left may criticize me for this.  They are also bastards.  I have tried to explain that taking money out of the economy in order to put money into the economy has saved or created many jobs, like Government Money Taker and Make-Believe Job Counter.  Yet, for all my achievements, Republicans have held the American people hostage, raping the women, killing the men, and devouring the children.  In order to stop the bloodshed, I have agreed to a plan to graciously allow people to keep their own money so they can hire more people for two years at which point, we’ll take the money away again because the plan won’t work but if we don’t pass it, the economy will crash because it’s the only plan that will work except it won’t.  Now here’s Bill Clinton to be president.  I’m off to Hawaii.  Thank you and God bless America.”

In a good and serious post over at Pajamas Media, Roger Simon says we shouldn’t laugh at the President’s troubles because they are also our own.  He’s absolutely right about that.  So don’t read this post.

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  • Lars Walker

    At this point, laughter’s about all we’ve got.

  • caucasian

    Right on target as usual, Andrew. Except, maybe for that “God bless America” thing. I doubt he would say such a thing.